Yes I was fierce (as if you’d doubt it). Yes I spun like diva (again). And Yes my tribute to Lynda Carter/Wonder Woman was awesome, amazing and inspired (not my words). AND YES my career is at a new high (my words). BUT you probably didn’t know how very much I suffer to bring you joy and enlightenment (I do. I really do.). To prove the point please witness exhibit A of my forehead deformation (ow). Last night in the fury to get ready (leave the tech booth and run upstairs to change and mentally prepare for perfection) my costume cut my face (previously flawless). IT CUT ME! It tried to bring me down! It tried to render me asunder (like oh so many others who shall remain nameless but I know who you are bitches)! But alas no. No dear fans I did not succumb! I took that pain and I used it (like Judy). I became a legend in the face of atrocity (like Naomi at Westwood). I blotted that blood and took center stage (like John Wilkes Booth) (too soon?).
If you scoff at paper being a weapon may I remind you the first year is the hardest and all you get is paper and thirdly Cai Lun was no dummy (the second is Bab’s heroic journey in the Main Event). To be clear: the W on my costume was made of construction paper (ahh the theatre). Hence the paper cut as I pulled that paper-W over my scalp in a life-threatening, ill-timed costume change (think Houdini with less water). Thank all ye gods that I wasn’t using my real costume that appears when I spin (it’s gorgeous). The titanium would have split my head in two (like Zeus) and then I’d have to compete with myself (really aren’t we always?). I quote the Hollywood adage: never fuck with the hair, makeup or wardrobe people.
So dear fans it is with regret I will not be gracing l’etage until said injury is less hideous (unlike every single person on reality tv). I know you dear fans and (like Joan Crawford) you would not like to see me any less than perfect (like Donna Reed). If you wish to pray for me please pray (and prey) to Diana the huntress (Wonder Woman’s namesake). Flowers may be sent to my costumer and kind thoughts directly to my secretary who will forward them. If you must send gifts be sure they’re cash as only collectively could you afford my tastes (think Norma Desmond…but after she received the much deserved revenue from book and screen rights to her necessary deed). I must go now and heal (like Cerberus). Thank you for your love and support that I so deserve in this time of need. Like the saying states: We’ll meet again but I’ll have no idea who you are.
Oodles of Hollywood Love,
PS Only I Would Get A Paper Cut Playing Wonder Woman