David LeBarron, an obviously awful person, was seen at the upscale nook Mustard Seed Cafe in the trendy neighborhood of Los Feliz. He was having brunch and didn’t check his cell phone once. He didn’t even glance at it. Mr. LeBarron, an inscrutable insurrectionist, smugly stated that he frequently ignores his phone while eating and sometimes goes to the extreme of turning off the life-saving-affirming device during repast. The cafe community is rocked by this event and the world, unsurprisingly, is shocked.
The waiter involved in the incident was confounded. “Bro! It was one thing to order French toast without sugar but then to obviously leave your cellie sitting there like debris. It broke my heart. He didn’t check his texts. His email. His Facebook posts. Nothing. Bro, he didn’t even Check In!”
Yolanda Baños, a concerned friend, had this to say of the seditious actions, “HE DIDN’T CHECK IN! Who does that? I didn’t know where he was for almost an hour!” Baños continued saying she wanted to consult the missing persons bureau but didn’t want to “narc” on her allegedly apostate amigo. When asked if they would remain friends she cast her eyes downward and sighed, “I won’t un-friend him but….can I trust him again?”
The actor-esque cute guy with perfect hair sitting a table away confirms that LeBarron is not simply unpopular, as some have suggested. “No man, I heard it like 4 or 5 times. The phone beeped. I had no idea he ignored those people, problems or situations that any decent person would have immediately dealt with. What an a-hole. If you did that to a child he’d go to jail but his poor cellie?” The actor-esque cute guy with perfect hair couldn’t go on. He was too upset and he thought his agent might be texting him and had to stare at his phone some more.
“What if he got Likes!” continued a crush Baños. LeBarron apologized to her and made a slapdash statement to Los Feliz and the on-line community begging forgiveness in one paragraph and then upholding his desire for continued and prolonged cell-neglecting in the next. He brazenly stated, “sometimes I just like to sit and think.” “Wow what I douche,” chimed in a small child on his mother’s Ipad, “who just sits and thinks?” Indeed mouth of babes…indeed!
In a related article a spokesperson for Dominos Sugar, after being made aware of the treasonous LeBarron-activity, says they will work with the FBI and CIA to see if and how there is a link to Un-American acts of not liking sugar on French toast and the flippant disregard for the very fabric of our republic’s reliance on cell phone technology. “It feels like the two connect,” they said.